bigdamnnerd (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bigdamnnerd) wrote2002-01-28 04:26 pm
bigdamnnerd) wrote2002-01-28 04:26 pm
Entry tags:
random thoughts from the drive home, part 1
(I warned you that there'd be whining and griping)
So, trivia weekend is over for another year, and the drive back to Madison (after a full night's sleep) found me in an odd mood. We did a lot worse than last year, and I left in kind of a defeated mood. I started thinking about my position in life as general. Damn those crappy "what sort of <foo> are you" web surveys. They're usually pretty off base, but they can be jumping off points for introspection.
I don't normally think of myself as a competitive sort of person, but this weekend made me realize how much a part of me it can be. I half-joked before about needing to beat Adam at pool, like it was some sort of primal competition over Sarah. It wasn't really, since I know I suck at pool.
But there's always been something I've been good at, and I feel like I've been losing that, destined for a lifetime of mediocrity. I look at my friends, and see people filled with talent of many sorts, and motivation to do things with it. I seem to be unable to create anything fundamentally new--it's as if I'm relegated to deriving and collating other people's work. I haven't a lick of any artistic ability, can no longer program my way out of a wet paper sack, and even my writing project is turning into more of a compilation than a creation.
I do well at my job, but I know other people who do the same thing so much better. And even if I was the best around, would it really matter? Supporting whiny grad students and professors isn't the be-all and end-all of my career. But this is really I know how to do. And it's not like I can be bothered to actually find a different one.
And so I'm left just feeling very unsure of what's going on in my life. I'm stuck unwilling to make changes, and yet feeling the need to get out of my rut. I'm uncomfortable without some sort of view on the future, and can't look ahead and plan for anything, either.
And of course, as I step back from all this rambling and attempt to look objectively at my life, it really doesn't look that bad. I'm pretty much set for now, have a good job, and all that. So why the hell am I whining? I dunno. It seems like something is missing, and I'm not quite sure what it is. A purpose, maybe? Someone to share my lack of purpose with?
Whatever. Time for me to go off and subject myself to the horror that is the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Maybe I'll try to figure myself out more later.
So, trivia weekend is over for another year, and the drive back to Madison (after a full night's sleep) found me in an odd mood. We did a lot worse than last year, and I left in kind of a defeated mood. I started thinking about my position in life as general. Damn those crappy "what sort of <foo> are you" web surveys. They're usually pretty off base, but they can be jumping off points for introspection.
I don't normally think of myself as a competitive sort of person, but this weekend made me realize how much a part of me it can be. I half-joked before about needing to beat Adam at pool, like it was some sort of primal competition over Sarah. It wasn't really, since I know I suck at pool.
But there's always been something I've been good at, and I feel like I've been losing that, destined for a lifetime of mediocrity. I look at my friends, and see people filled with talent of many sorts, and motivation to do things with it. I seem to be unable to create anything fundamentally new--it's as if I'm relegated to deriving and collating other people's work. I haven't a lick of any artistic ability, can no longer program my way out of a wet paper sack, and even my writing project is turning into more of a compilation than a creation.
I do well at my job, but I know other people who do the same thing so much better. And even if I was the best around, would it really matter? Supporting whiny grad students and professors isn't the be-all and end-all of my career. But this is really I know how to do. And it's not like I can be bothered to actually find a different one.
And so I'm left just feeling very unsure of what's going on in my life. I'm stuck unwilling to make changes, and yet feeling the need to get out of my rut. I'm uncomfortable without some sort of view on the future, and can't look ahead and plan for anything, either.
And of course, as I step back from all this rambling and attempt to look objectively at my life, it really doesn't look that bad. I'm pretty much set for now, have a good job, and all that. So why the hell am I whining? I dunno. It seems like something is missing, and I'm not quite sure what it is. A purpose, maybe? Someone to share my lack of purpose with?
Whatever. Time for me to go off and subject myself to the horror that is the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Maybe I'll try to figure myself out more later.