i let you complicate me

i remember when life was simple. i sure as hell bitched a lot, but it was simple. it was the same old thing, for three fairly miserable years. i swung back and forth from apathy to bitterness, becoming intimately familiar with both of them.

and now that i'm back to where I was, teetering on the precipice of falling back into that routine, i find that I don't want to. i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of not having the motivation to do something about this.

and what's worse is that in my attempts to pick myself up by my own bootstraps, i've been meeting people. mostly friends of friends, and there's one in particular i'm attracted to. she's smart, beautiful, interested in the same sorts of things I am. it's actually kind of odd how rapidly i've become smitten. but, due to my own lack of...something (confidence, or whatever)...i'll probably never do anything about it. the kicker is, that just makes things worse. the fact that my three+ years of involuntary celibacy were my own damn fault for not being able to take the initiative. the simple fact that I've asked exactly three and a half women out over the past three and a half years isn't exactly helping my situation any.

dammit. i refuse to believe i'm actually as pathetic as this is sounding. i'll be better in the morning, i promise.